Sometimes
Life takes a U-turn. It gets angry at you. But the anger does not stay longer
just as a mother cannot be angry on her child for a long time. Who knows? The
U-turn may invariably lead to the right path. Life always offers you new
surprises. Deeksha was in one such path...
It was a
dark room. She was looking at the wall sitting in her room. 3 hours had passed
by since she started and she was lost in her thoughts. The wall was blank and
so were her thoughts. It was 3 PM in the noon and she had not eaten anything
since the time she woke up at 12. She
did not even feel like having anything. Her room represented her present state
of mind. Of late she had started hating bright light. She felt the
bright lights were mocking at her life which was filled with darkness. Every
second felt like an hour. Deeksha was going through the worst phase of her
Life....
She was just
24 and she was already tired of Life. Life was just about to blossom and
innumerable opportunities were ahead of her. Before even playing the game of
life, she had accepted the defeat. Since 2 months, she had not stepped out of
her house. Suddenly, the door bell rang and she did not respond to it. With the
repeated sounds which had now turned into an irritation, she left the comforts
of her bed and opened the door. It took her some time to open her eyes to the
bright light and see the postman arriving with a letter in his hand. She took
the letter and immediately shut the door hard.
It was a letter from the Software Company she
was working for. The letter was the final reminder for her to resume her work
after her voluntary absenteeism from work since 2 months. The Company had
mentioned that her services will be terminated if she does not resume work or
respond to this letter within next 7 days. She just smiled at it, tore it and threw
it on the floor. She was staying alone in Bangalore since the time she
completed her engineering and started working. She came back to her room and
started staring at the wall. She started recollecting the whole tale for the “Nth”
number of time.
It all
started a few months back. His words, “I didn’t know you were this serious
Deeksha. Come on!!Be practical. This will never work out. You are a Jain and I
am a Punjabi. I can never think of a marriage. I can never imagine telling this
to my parents too. They have already searched a girl for me who suits our
family status quo. I am getting engaged next month. I was never serious about this
relationship. So, stop all this drama, be practical & for heaven’s sake
stop crying Deeksha. I am leaving now. Goodbye” was repeating in her head in
the same aggressive tone he had told it.
Whenever
she starts thinking about this, a tear drop would automatically fill her eyes
and make it moist, bringing her back to reality. She would always think what
was causing her the pain? Is it the fact that she had lost him? Or is it the
fact that he had played with her emotions? Or is it the fact that she had blindly
trusted a person who did not even deserve it? She had never found an answer to
it. She was now like a hurt puppy which looks directionless and cries
inconsolably in pain.
It
was a relationship which lasted for 4 years. It started in the 3rd
year of their engineering and the whole college knew that they were going out.
They both had joined different companies in Bangalore. Deeksha had given her
100% to the relationship and she sometimes used to feel he was insensitive to
her feelings. She was the first one to compromise after a big fight even if it
was not her mistake. 4 years is never a small period and losing your loved one
is never a small pain. Just a few days back, he had got married and his
marriage photos were all over his profile. He had blocked her in whatsapp and
in all social spaces. She used to log in from her friends ID and see the
photos. He looked all happy with the new girl. No sense of guilt was evident in
his eyes. Some people can never recognize the inner voice of their conscience.
Deeksha
stared at the wall for an eternity. The maid came in and cleaned the house. She
saw that the food she had prepared yesterday was kept intact and nothing was
consumed. Deeksha now had multiple problems with regards to her health. She had
not felt like eating anything since 2 days. She suffered from a bad headache
which keeps appearing now and then. She needed sleeping pills to fall asleep every
day. Above all this, the doctors had already concluded that she was undergoing
a stage of “Depression.”, the only disorder which the Medical field has not
cracked fully. Depression is something which does not have a definite cure. She
looked at the prescription which lay on her table and took her tablets.
A
year back, on the same day her college bestie Rachitha had committed suicide in
her apartments in Pondicherry owing to a failed relationship with her
boyfriend. This incident had a major impact on Deeksha. Off late, she was also
getting instincts of death. She used to get wild dreams of her death, a weird
laughter and noise amidst complete darkness. “Is she calling me there? Am I
living my last days?” she asked herself. The thought of death frightened her
suddenly. She did not want to die and same way she did not know how to live as
well. “Am I going to die?” she asked herself. She started trembling with fear.
In the past 2 months she had thought a lot of times to end her life. But this
was different. Life is a gift and it is not easy to return a gift. She wanted
to run away from life all these days and now she felt life is running away from
her.
It
was 8 PM then and the room was darker now.
Suddenly darkness which comforted her so long started frightening her.
Images of her friend flashed in front of her and she started trembling and
sweating. “Am I going to die too?” she asked her again. She started crying
without knowing what to do. She had never felt these intense feelings all these
while. She now switched on the lights to feel more secured. She went to the
living area and sat on the sofa. Even a small sound used to create fear in her
mind. She constantly turned back to see if someone is behind her to take her
away from life. How much ever she consoled herself, her body was still
trembling with fear. Death is always fantasized in stories. But you will never
understand the feeling until you are near its threshold.
It
was 8.15 PM and it was turning out to be a horrible night to Deeksha. Even the
sound of the wall clock ticks caused a lot of fear. She constantly felt someone
was behind her. She imagined that entire night in a moment. It was still 8.15
PM and she had a whole night in front of her.
She checked for her only saviour: sleeping pills and found the box to be
empty. She now felt distressed. Suddenly something strikes her mind and she
starts packing her bag, taking her essentials, her wallet and leaves her house.
Sometimes Mind just wants “instant solutions.” She had decided to spend that
night in a Five Star Hotel.
She
took sleeping pills from the regular pharmacist and kept it in her bag. She
took an auto and just when the destination was 2 kms away, she was struck in
the huge Bangalore traffic. Before the auto could go back, a few cars had come
behind and now they were struck in a big jam. The driver suggested her to get
down and walk instead of waiting for this to clear. Irritated with the traffic,
she considered his suggestion and started walking. Her fear which had haunted
in the constraints of the four walls had now reduced. It was 2 months since she
had stepped out of her home. She was feeling a bit better but at the same time
her mind was blank and directionless.
She
reached the hotel which was right opposite to the City Bus Stand. A thought
crossed her mind: “I will spend the night here. What next? I will have to go
back home again tomorrow night.” The thought of going back home frightened her
again. She looked at the other side of the road and saw many people sleeping on
the floors of the bus stand amidst the noise and disturbance. She felt it was a
luxury and they were richer than her. There was something that was pulling her
on the other side and she made her way to the bus stand. She felt hungry after
a long time and grabbed a bite of bun and tea there. She had already gathered a
lot of stares from the men around in the bus stand.
Deeksha
was a simple yet beautiful girl. She could carry herself even without an
external means to make her look beautiful. She was once an innocent and a
confident girl. Now her eyes lacked innocence and her face lacked confidence.
She had now turned into a timid girl. She wanted to get out from that place. She
looked at a few buses around, wherein most of them were packed. There was one
bus which had a few empty seats. There was again something which was driving
her. She boarded the bus and took her seat. She had no plans of going anywhere. She did
not even look at the destination. She asked the conductor, “Give me a ticket.
And where is this bus going?” He replied, “Mumbai!! 990 rupees” and the bus
started its 24 hours long journey.....
What
is she doing? She doesn’t know. Where does she want to go? She has no clue.
What will she do there? Again there is no answer. All she knew was there was
people around her and there was no need for her to be scared. With the cool
breeze hitting her face constantly she had started liking the journey. She fell
asleep without any sleeping pill and she woke up only at 10 AM when the bus
stopped for the breakfast. She instantly felt happy that for the first time in
2 months, she had slept without any sleeping pills. She looked at the sky and
the sun was bright that day. She had never seen that part of the day in these 2
months as she used to sleep only by 5 AM and get up at 12. She sat alone and
had a paratha in the restaurant. That was a satisfying and fulfilling
breakfast.
The
bus resumed its journey and she looked out from the window. Lot of villages
passed by and she started thinking about the abundance the nature has in
itself. The lush green of the paddy fields made her feel good at heart. She looked at the Highway road and started
thinking the efforts the labourers have put to create these roads and making 2
states closer. For the first time in these 2 months, her thoughts had something
else other than him. The rest of the
journey went in the same fashion. There was something about this journey that
had made a difference without her notice...
Mumbai
is a busy city. It is a separate world in itself. It is a city which never
sleeps. When Deeksha got off the bus, she was directionless as usual. She did
not know where to go and what to do. She decided to stay in Hotel Atria that
night. The room was lovely and so was the stay. She was treated royally and
that actually lifted her a bit. Her thoughts went back to him for a while when
she thought that even he was with his wife in Mumbai but she was somehow able
to bring it back to her control. There were frequent mood swings but again it
was in a controllable state. With the soft mattresses and cushions of the five
star hotel, she fell asleep like a baby and woke up next morning after a good 8
hours sleep.
She
finished her complimentary breakfast and thought of taking a walk on the
streets of Mumbai. As she walked, she saw the different facets of this city.
People from all the walks of life, struggle to make a living here. Everyone is
busy working to make their ends meet. As she walked, she saw a cobbler, a
little boy selling tea, an old lady selling flowers, investors both happy and
sad at the Bombay Stock Exchange, posh businessman working on their laptops
sitting in their cars stuck in the traffic, tourist guides making travelling as
their living and some prostitutes selling themselves for again a livelihood. “Life
is fair. You get what you deserve and in order to get that, you have to give
your heart and soul into it.”, she thought to herself. There was something
about this walk that had made a difference without her notice...
As
she checked out from the hotel, she was again at the same situation. “What
next?” was the question running in her mind. She was as directionless as
before. She went to the bus stand and boarded a bus which had a few empty seats
and this time the bus left to Ahmedabad...
Deeksha
was now in the vibrant state of Gujarat. She had heard about how Gujarat had
revolutionized Indian industrial development before. On her way to Ahmedabad, she
had seen a lot of industries being set up. As she reached Ahmedabad, she
started exploring the tourist places in and around the city. She had started
developing a liking towards her new found joy:
Travelling. This had given her immense happiness which was a missing
part of her life in the past 2 months. She had found happiness in meeting
people of different cultures, different languages, different ideologies and who
came from different walks of life.
She
made her way from Ahmedabad to Jaipur, the land of deserts. Sustaining the heat
and exploring a few deserts, she made her way to Delhi. She fell in love with
the varieties of food at Chandni Chowk, the Food Capital of India. In Delhi,
she went to a book store and spent her day reading a book of Paulo Coelho and
she felt much better. She was spending time at her mercy. From Delhi she went
to Uttarkhand, the holy place which was devastated and re built recently. She
found utmost peace in the vicinity of the holy temples. In Uttarkhand, she met
an old man who had lost his family in the partition which split India and
Pakistan and listened to his painful story. She realized that people had bigger
problems when compared to hers. From there she went to Assam. Sipping the best
tea in the whole country, she finally landed in Kolkata. It was now 12 days
since she had left Bangalore.
After
exploring the city of joy, Kolkata which is the Cultural Capital of India she
was in the same situation where she had begun her journey. “What next?” was the
question again. There were a lot of unanswered questions in her mind and a lot
of unrest in her mind even in the midst of happiness she was enjoying. Just
when she was about to leave the city in the morning and was walking back to the
bus stand, she saw an Ashram on the other side of the road. It is difficult to
explain a few things in Life. This was one such thing to Deeksha. Why did she
choose to visit this Ashram can never be answered. She went in...
With
either sides of the path covered by trees, it was a very pleasant feeling for
Deeksha to walk in. When she reached the Prayer Hall, she was automatically
able to sense the positive vibrations she was receiving. She sat there and the
environment was very peaceful. The Prayer Hall was in an oval shape and was
fitted with white marbles. Everything about that place was so perfect. She saw
three other people meditating in the big hall. She got up and went to one of
the persons who seemed to be working there, “When will the Guruji of this
Ashram come?” she asked. “What do you want from him?” the old man asked. “This
place seems so divine to me. I have a few questions in my mind for which I need
answers. Can I meet him?” asked Deeksha.
The
old man smiled and said, “My dear child, there is no Guru here and there are no
disciples as well. There is no person to answer the questions of people here.
People come here, ask their questions to their soul and get answers. This place
is not restricted to a single religion. People of all communities come here and
talk with their own self. This place is divine because of the enormous positive
energy it has in itself. Just go sit there, close your eyes and ask your
questions to yourself and you will get the answers.” And he patted her back and
continued with his work.
Deeksha
was puzzled. She went and sat on the floor, closed her eyes and started
thinking:
“Hmmm...What was my problem? Whether I was
sad because I lost the person I loved? Or was I sad because I had trusted him
blindly and he made a fool of me? No, I was not sad because I lost the person I
loved. He did not deserve me. I gave him love and he did not respect it. Is it
not his weakness? How can giving love to someone become a person’s weakness?
What if he was not serious about it even after marriage? Then I would have
spoiled my whole life. In that case, this seems so better. Good that the evil
has gone out of my life. Why did I become depressed? I think I went into
depression because of my own insecurities. I alienated myself from the outside
world. That was my mistake. Only when I travelled across the country, I
realized that there are a lot of people who are happy and working to create a
better life with problems which are bigger than mine. Compared to them, this
was NOTHING. When he is happy and enjoying his life without even a pinch of
guilt, why should I stop myself from being happy? I have a Life of my own. I
have my own parents, friends, colleagues who love me. I have my passion,
desires and ambitions. Why should I spoil all this for a person who cares a
damn about me? Like so many people whom I met these 12 days, I want to create a
life for myself and work to reach my ambitions. Why didn’t all these thoughts
strike me there? I had spent hours thinking about all these things even then. Maybe
my mind was not as free then, as it is now. To tackle any problem, your Mind
should not be chained and should be let free. Isolation always hinders creation
of positive energy. In these 12 days, I have learnt so much from the Nature and
the people I met, that I had not known in the past 24 years. It has changed my
outlook towards Life. I think living a meaningful life is the main objective of
life. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL!!!”
As
she opened her eyes, Deeksha was smiling in ecstasy. In the quest to find
answers to her questions, she had discovered the purpose of her life. She
wanted to share this whole experience and she ran to the old man and narrated
everything that happened those 12 days and the realization which had dawned on
her. The old man smiled and said, “Go Live your Life, Beta. Don’t regret when
you are at my age. God bless you...” Deeksha took his blessings and left to the
Netaji Subhash Chandra Bose International Airport. The question which popped up
every time: “What next?” had stopped haunting her then. She took a flight to Bangalore that night....
When she
finally landed at 4.30 AM, Bangalore looked even better to her. She felt like
she was back to the place where she belongs to. When she reached home, she was
no longer scared. She was brimming with joy. She opened the curtains to the
bright light which entered her home and mind. When she checked her mobile
phone, which she had left home, she found 167 missed calls and she knew right
away that she would get blasting from everyone whom she kept in a worried
world. She started calling back to everyone who cared. As she sipped her
coffee, she started uploading her resume in a Job Portal in anticipation of
starting a New Life with a New Outlook... As she finished the last sip of her
coffee, the sun rose that day with a positive note.
Sometimes Life appears so miserable that we think its the END of
all. But when Life itself is temporary, can the challenges stay forever? Time
heals everything. Life can change any second. Life keeps offering you
opportunities every time. You can see
and appreciate it only when you open yourself to the World. Your inner voice is
your DESTINY. Sometimes travelling can bring the best out of you. But wherever
you go, you will have to come back to the roots. Just like the nature keeps
shifting from Darkness to Light with every sunset and a sunrise, Life moves on
and never stops until the heartbeat does. For Deeksha, Life had changed between
a Sunset & a Sunrise...
-Naveen.S.N
